Radiation Begins

Now that chemo is done, I get to begin a new adventure in cancer treatment. Radiation. 6 weeks - 25-30 treatments.

So.....on Tuesday, November 28, just one day after having my port removed, I dutifully reported to the Radiation Center. The technicians took me back and showed me the daily routine. I come into the waiting area. My name will be called over the intercom. "Mrs. Watson, you may now report to the changing area". So I then go back and take off my clothes and put on this really, really cute little paper dress and wait in another waiting area with my clothes in tow. Then a technician comes out to get me and we go the room with the big skull and crossbones on the door that says "Massive Radiation Inside" (I'm only exaggerating a little bit here). Then they put me on this very narrow table that's connected to the big monster machine and they tie my feet together (I guess so if I try to run I can't get far). Then all of these really cool lasers come on and they line them up with parts of my body to be "radiated". But on this first day, I got to have some special fun. In order to know where to line the lasers up, my friendly technicians had to place tatoos on my sides and middle of my chest. Far better than the temporary marks they made with Sharpee pens, but still not as fun as a real tatoo. I tried to get them to give me a rising phoenix or a butterfly or something to show my grandchildren some day, but they weren't really amused. Guess they wanted to get to lunch or something.

So the next day, Wednesday, I have my first radiation. I go through all the steps and the radiation itself takes maybe 3 minutes tops. I'm not really sure how long it goes because I pray while it's going. But I know I don't get too far down my prayer list before they come back in and unhook my feet so I can run......... :)

Ding Dong the Port is Gone!

My dear friends,

Please forgive me for being so remiss on not updating the site. Life is happening - and that's a good thing - but wonderful exercises like updating this site are behind. So let me try to catch up a bit...

I went to see my oncologist the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. It was SOOOOO strange to go to the cancer center and not go back to the chemo area. Strange in a very good way, of course. As I sat in the waiting room, I realized that I was now in a different group. I was no longer carrying my bag with crackers, lotion, gum, candy, blankets, stuffed animals--all of the essentials needed to get through 4 hours of chemotherapy. I was no longer sitting with the row of folks waiting to be called back to the chemo room -- all of us looking as if we were soon to be made into sausage or something equally grotesque. No, I was now with the folks who got to see the doctor and pray that she had a smile on her face, meaning she had good news to share.

When Doctor Austin came into the room, I'll admit that I was nervous. I was afraid she'd come in and announce that there'd been a mistake - that she was sending me back to hang out with the chemoclan. But alas, she did not. She told me that there are patients that she's worried about, but that I was not one of them! She said I'm kicking you out and don't want to see you until mid January. And then she said the magic words I had really longed to hear "you can go get your port out now--we won't be needing it anymore!" Praise God and Amen!

So, the port removal was scheduled for Monday morning following Thanksgiving. And what a Thanksgiving we had! My Brother Ronnie came from North Carolina and my cousin Chris joined us from Florida. We had 7 children, 9 adults (and two small dogs) share a beautiful meal with thankful hearts that we were once again together, that we were all relatively healthy, and that we are blessed to live in the knowledge that Christ is King and we are His beloved.

Then Rick and I pulled off an amazing coup.....we were able to go away for two days that weekend, just the two of us, for a romantic weekend in the mountains! It was warm and beautiful and we had a great time.

And then Monday morning, 8:00 a.m., Dr. Luke rolled me into surgery and removed my port, that little button-shaped device used to infuse me with the chemo drugs. The port had been implanted in my chest for 5 LONG months, and according to Dr. Luke it had made itself quite at home there. He had to "persuade" it to let go of the scar tissue that was hugging it. By 10:00 a.m., I was home resting and thankful to be free of "buttons" in my chest.

But not to worry, tomorrow will bring another new adventure in the road to cancer recovery.....

A True Mountaintop Experience

November 8 finally arrived. The day I had looked forward to and worked for throughout Chemo. The day Rick and I would make our annual trek up Mt. LeConte in Tennessee. We've done this every year since we've been married, and we plan it a year in advance. So when I was diagnosed, Rick said "well, I guess we'll be cancelling our plans for LeConte this year." And I said, "not so fast". "I'm not willing to cancel anything until I absolutely know I can't do it".

Before cancer, I exercised every other day. Weights and eliptical. I was in the shape of my life. One of my fears about my illness was that I would lose what I had worked so hard for - the muscle tone and energy that allowed me to hike and enjoy other activities that I love. So every day during chemo I had a goal. Walk. Exercise. Stay in shape so I could still make it to the top of LeConte. When I got my chemo schedule, I realized that I would only have one week to recover before LeConte.

November 8, we left for Leconte. We stayed in Cherokee that evening, and woke up early to make it to trailhead. We started hiking at about 10:00 a.m. I did really well until we got to the steep part - where the ascent was pretty well straight up. Then I started to feel the pain in my upper legs - the burn that comes when your muscles aren't strong enough to carry your body. So Rick starts singing to me. What a wonderful gesture! He knew it would make me laugh, which would take my mind off of my pain. I think he sang the last hour up. And most people would stop when other people came along - not my Rick. He just kept on singing. I love this man!

Here are our pictures. They say more than I can about why we make this trip every year. We sit up on the rocks and read our bibles and talk and laugh and share the silence and beauty only God could have created.

The Final Chemo

November 1, 2006, I sat through what I pray will be my final chemo ever! It was a beautiful day, and chemo was a breeze. My mom (well, she's actually Rick's mom--but I have adopted her as my own) took me to the treatment just as she took me to my first. She in her sassy stetson style hat, me in my Pink Harley doo-rag. What a pair!

After chemo, we went to lunch before heading home. The chemo pretty well kicked me -- right into bed for 3 or 4 days. I was very fatigued and uncharacteristically quiet. After that, I began to get my normal allergic reaction to the chemo - rashes in places we won't discuss here. Suffice it to say I was uncomfortable. The rash eventually took away my ability to taste food - which was not fun since I love to eat. Today, more than two weeks later, the reaction has moved to the inside of my eyelids and my eyes water alot and I look like I'm about 70. But it's getting better every day. God is good and far better people than me have experienced worse.

Thanks for your continued prayers and for laughing along with me through this fun.

Hospitals and Blessings

Catching up on posting.....so this happened the week of October 23......

After having a phenemonal time at the 3-day, I unexpectedly ended up in the hospital for a day. I had been feeling really tired, which is unusual for me even throughout chemo. I'm talking REALLY tired - like I didn't care if I ate or anything. Then I had a strange twinge in my chest and then it became tightness. So I stopped by the see my good friends Dr. Gordon and Carolyn Peltier (his nurse, my sweet friend) just to get my vitals checked because Rick was worried I was going to have a heart attack and leave him with 3 girls and all the housework. So I figured I'd just be there a few minutes to get my blood pressure checked and be on my way! But my good friends sent me to the emergency room for further evaluation. And I guess because Gordon is a LEGEND at Northside the ER doc took my case very personally and very seriously and I ended up with THREE (3) wonderful doctors taking care of me and lots and lots of tests later I got to come home. But not before I had some laughs. My cardiologist had seen me in the ER and then again the following morning - both times I had my beautiful wig on my head. Then later in the day, he came to visit me to share test results, only this time, my hair was on the side table rather than on my head. Bless his heart - he came in and started apologizing that he had visited the wrong room - I finally convinced him it was me when I pointed to the side table and said "see - there's my hair, it's me I promise"! When one has no hair, no eyelashes, and a port that looks like one of those buttons that pops up when the turkey is done, one must find things to laugh about!

Final diagnosis after 24 hours in the hospital: maybe stress, maybe chemo. No heart problems though. I am in great shape. I am thankful my friends sent me though. It made me feel good to know that all of this chemo had not destroyed anything other than cancer!

The Sunday after I was in the hospital, I was blessed to be able to share my testimony at church. What a powerful day for me. God has taught me so much through this journey that 10 minutes hardly seemed enough time to share all the ways I am blessed. I am blessed that we caught the cancer early. I am blessed that I have phenomenal doctors. I am blessed to have the best husband and children in the world. And the best friends and neighbors. And the best dogs -- Hannah and Harley, who have faithfully sat at my feet or beside my bed for the past 65 months. And the best church and job - a job where I get to love and be loved every day, serving my Father in Heaven who teaches me every minute of my life what love truly is.

Atlanta 3-Day

October 20-22, 2006, 2,250 women, including my Asphalt Angels, walked 60 miles over 3 days to raise money and awareness for breast cancer. My daughter, Danielle, her best friend Blakely, my cousin Julie, my good friend Jane, and my new friends, Tracy M, Tracy C , and Pat, made up the Asphalt Angels team.

The team arrived at the 3-day opening ceremonies in style on Friday morning. Another team, the Boobsavers, had managed to get limos donated for the ride, and invited our team (even me!) to join them. It was amazing to arrive there to all of the fanfare, with the 3-day crew already cheering on the walkers!

The opening ceremony was wonderful, and as the walkers began their long trek, we cheered them out of the gate with our posters that had been designed by Danielle and made by Jane and Randy. As soon as they left, I got to the first cheering station, where my good friend Carolyn met me. We had a bit of a wait – the team passed a Starbucks and decided they needed a treat – then they had to make an unexpected pitstop in the woods!

That afternoon I went to the next cheering spot and had more fun. My friend Carole, who worked team and was back at camp waiting for my girls to arrive, had given me some great cheering tips and aids. I had a cowbell that made me very popular among the other cheerers – no need for screaming so much with that thing making so much noise!

By that evening, temperatures dropped to the 30s, and the girls called me to let me know that they had ice inside their tents! Saturday morning, I headed out early to cheer AND to take more clothing and provisions to camp. Good thing I had friends on the inside, or else I wouldn’t have been able to take more gear. Carole and Michelle met me and took the bags with extra blankets in –and I took them for a much needed burger break.

Saturday night it warmed up a bit, but began to rain :{ But alas, I received calls from the team that everyone was in good spirits and doing quite well.

Rick, Kat, Rebecca, and even Hannah and Harley, and I all went down to Piedmont Park early so that we could cheer on the walkers as they made their way to the finish line. Carolyn and Chad joined us, as did Bill Bean and Art. Carole and Amy were there too!
I can’t tell you how I felt when I saw my Danielle walking toward me, with that big grin on her face. She was the most beautiful thing I think I’ve ever seen! We walked across the finish line all together, and I was so thankful to be there in that moment.

The closing ceremonies were absolutely beautiful. We watched as over 2,000 women walked in, arm in arm, cheering one another on. But the amazing part is that they had all of the women who were survivors who had walked come in last. As these women came in, the rest of the walkers removed their shoes and held them up in honor of these women. It was so beautiful, and I cried for all of us. The survivors and everyone who loves them. For all women who may ever face this. For our daughters who we pray never will.

God is good. Thank you for supporting our team this year. You did good. It makes a difference.

What's Your Goliath?

Most of us, whether we've ever been to church or read The Bible, are familiar with the story of David and Goliath. You know--young boy, big giant, a little courage, some faith, and one small rock with a huge God behind it. Giant Falls, boy wins.

The other night I was up far later than my family, and I was restless and decided to turn on the television for a bit. As I checked the guide for shows, I found a show called cancer stories. I thought I'd just check it out for a minute before heading to bed. An hour later as the show ended and I sat alone in the dark, I realized so many things about myself and about this journey I've (we've) been travelling. I have cancer. Sounds stupid to you I'm sure, but I'm just now realizing that fully. The grief that overtook me was completely overwhelming. I was taken back to the day I had my biopsy. And I realized that when they laid me on that table, the doctor and the nurse had probably already labelled me as a "cancer patient". The Pathologist who did the testing on my samples quickly labelled me as a "cancer patient". And when my surgeon called me two days later, he probably held in his hand a folder that his staff had already labelled "cancer patient".

The day I received the call, I was in traffic racing to pick up a check from our insurance company settling the loss of our dautghter's car which had been totalled two weeks earlier. I was anxious to get the check and get it to the bank because we had already made a deal on a new (used) car for her and I had made a promise to her that we'd go pick it up that night. So I got the call, swallowed my reaction for just a bit, and did my duty as a mom. Then I drove to Rick's office and when he greeted me, he knew without my telling him, and his reaction led me to do what comes naturally for me--I stayed strong because I love this man with my whole heart and soul, and I could not stand to see the sadness in his eyes.

And then time just began to race by. Two surgeries. Chemo. Shots. Sickness. Doctors and lab techs poking at me. Days that passed without my knowing. At first when I thought back over these months, I feared that I was up to my old tricks - stuffing the pain and getting throough this on my own strength. It's a character flaw that I'm well-known for. Stiff upper lip. Take responsibility. Don't let the fear in. Don't let the pain be known. Don't let anyone else help. I can fight the giant all by myself and I don't need your rocks, thank you very much. But then in one overwhelming moment of realization, I knew that it wasn't true. I had not fought this giant called cancer alone and I was pretending to. Tossing this particular rock has been a group effort --through the love and faith of my incredible family, by you--my friends. Many of you have been in constant prayer that God would do the heavy lifting and heal me. Heal me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I have (literally) walked daily through the strength of others. Neighbors, friends, church members, doctors, nurses, strangers, and above all, the same Big God with a small rock who saved the day for David. I thank you and above all I thank God for the gift of faith that has allowed you and me to lean on God and one another.

My Goliath has always been letting. Letting go. Letting others. Letting myself. Letting God. How about you? We all know Goliath and he can come in many forms. Fear. Self-loathing. Ego. Shame. Regret.

This morning as I pray, I am praying for you. Praying that you will come to name your Goliath and come to know that you do not have to fight him alone. There is One in whom you can put your trust. One who goes ahead of you to conquer whatever seems giant to you. And the rest of us, your army of friends, will be here with you on the ground, helping to carry you and strengthen you just as you have carried me.

Grace and Peace.

Chemo 5 and beyond

Just wanted to post a quick note to let you all know that I successfully completed Chemo #5 without too much of a problem. Great news is my counts were good and Dr. Austin very non-chalantly told me that after my next (and final) round, we'll get my port out and move on to radiation. Praise God! I can't begin to tell you how it felt to hear her say that we would get this port out. The port is not that difficult to live with -- it's just a reminder that I'm held captive to this chemo and this illness. As long as I have it, it means they think I'll need more treatment. To be told I can get rid of it, is like telling a lame person to toss away her crutch and walk!

So, now as I'm almost recovered from #5, I anxiously anticipate #6, after which I will recover for a week and then climb Mt. LeConte if all goes well. That will be a God-filled dream for me -a goal that I've carried all these months since I was diagnosed. It's a trip Rick and I make every year -- every year since we've been married anyway. And it's one I wasn't willing to give up for cancer. And Dr. Austin said I should be fine to go. Amen!

More later. Thanks for your continued prayers and support.

Seeing Clearly

Good morning my friends! What a gorgeous morning in Atlanta. These last few days as I prepare for Chemo Number 5 and just one month until the end of chemo, I have realized that this phase of our lives is not going to last forever. Except for the peeling skin on my fingertips which is a side-effect (I suppose) of the allergic reaction from Taxotere (my latest chemo of non-choice), I feel completely normal (as normal as I get). Yep - life is getting back to normal.....I'm worried about Rick and the kids, I'm working way too much, the dust in my house is getting on my nerves, I'm noticing that my jeans don't fit quite right and that's really starting to worry me, and "challenges" at the church are stacking up and my task list grows larger each day.

But then, there's the good stuff that's happening too. Each morning as I step outside to go for my daily walk, I am greeted by a cool breeze, clean air, and the beauty of Fall. And Rick and me and the kids and our dogs all running around in the yard. And decorating for Halloween, complete with ghosts Kat made from old rags that hang from our trees. And going to the hospital yesterday not for me, but to visit other folks and be there for a baby's birth. And watching my little girl (now 17) dress up in a floor-length gown and go to dinner with Chad who was dressed in a tux, to celebrate their one year anniversary (dating).

Yeah, life is going to go back to being normal. Too much to do and too many blessings to count.
Thank you, Lord, for the change of season.

Not so fast.....

Mountaintops. We all love them right? I mean, many of us love to spend time up ON them, the spiritual or emotional ones anyway. I'll confess to you that I haven't been hangin' with the mountaintop crowd too much here lately. I've spent a good bit of time meandering around the valley, sometimes poking just one toe in to see how it felt, other times just diving right in.

Most of us, if we're lucky, will have a few mountaintop experiences in our lives. I've had a few. Several times on Spiritual Retreats where God met me in a big, big way. And I've had a few on top of an actual mountain called Mount LeConte, a mountain Rick and I hike every November (this year will be no exception if I get my way).

Up on the mountaintop, we experience the exhiliration of being above anxiety. above sadness. nearer to peace. closer to God and the heavens. A place where our minds and thinking can clear and we can experience the grace and the joy and the peace that's difficult to put into words (clearly!) Simply put, on the mountaintop many of us feel that we can see, feel, taste, and touch the divine.

But not so fast.....don't discount the importance of the valley. In the valley, miricales happen every day. True enough, in the valley there's sadness, pain, doubt, and any number of negative feelings. When we're in the valley, we feel like we're the only ones there and everyone else is up on that mountain partying and they've just stepped right over us as they climb up top and left us in our suffering. In the midst of suffering, we humans will often do something we would otherwise never do: we'll let our guard down. We'll decide we can no longer carry our own weight. We'll put down our shield and actually peel off our body armour. And when all the layers of our armour have been peeled away, we are then sitting ducks for transformation.

This week during my prayer time (which has been a bit intense as I try to shake this rash that looks like I have a disfiguring disease), I've had some valley experiences. Feeling the disappointment that came with the difficulty of this last chemo treatment (you know, the one that was supposed to be a walk in the park?), I was feeling really hopeless and frankly just sick and tired of being sick and tired! But then late last week, I began to have the feeling that something important was going to happen. I wasn't really anxious, more like anticipatory. Then on Friday, when I most needed it, I received several phone calls from folks whom I would not normally hear, all letting me know that for whatever reason they just felt compelled to call and check on me. Then over the weekend I had a conversation with a wonderful woman who shared some insights with me that I believe came directly from God. Even now, I feel as if God is preparing me. He's making my "clay" moist. With each of these valley experiences, I felt as if I was being "re-clothed". The sickness made me discard my own armour. Each person God sent my way helped me to put on God's armour instead.

Yesterday as I turned on my computer and realized that the date was October 2, I got a big smile on my face. I realized that if all goes well, November 2 will be my last chemo treatment. That day, I hope will be a mountaintop experience. Until then, I'm finding the valley is more useful. Here, God gets my undivided attention. Scripture's pretty clear that the mountaintop is just a visiting spot (Mark 9:2-8)--the important stuff (healing, for example) happens when we get back down to the valley, having nothing left to lose and we cry out for the one and only one who can help us (see the rest of the story Mark 9:17-27).

So if you find yourself hanging out in the valley of sickness, anxiety, worry, troubled relationship, lousy job, financial stress), know that if you are open to it, there's someone to meet you there. Know that I pray for you regularly. If you need specific prayer, let me know. Email me at blessedfighter@bellsouth.net.

Grace and Peace, Rene

A bit late....

Greetings dear friends,

I apologize that I've been remiss in writing of late. I've started to on a couple of occasions, but couldn't do it. It's been a rough week. I had my 4th chemo last Thursday (21st), and at first, it was amazing. No sickness. No bloating. Lots of energy. Then Sunday evening I started swelling and then on Monday I started getting a strange rash. By Wednesday, I was so uncomfortable I was simply worn out. But yesterday, I started on a regimen of Steroids (yuck....I hate them!), and I feel much better. I'm looking forward to taking on #5, armed with my steroids to scare away the bumps. Then November 2, I'm done with chemotherapy, Praise God! Okay, got that out. Now on to better things.

What a gorgeous day! Today I had to make a run down to Northside, and I was so pleased that I got stuck in traffic. I opened my sun roof, turned up my music, and just breathed in the clean (okay, somewhat polluted) , cool air (I had my shades on and my good wig in place) And I was overwhelmed with the realization that life is precious and good if we embrace the beauty and fight for the good.

Danielle and I are trying to get her prepared for the 3-Day walk to support breast cancer research. To all of you who have donated, I want to thank you. She has surpassed her goal of raising $3,000, and she is so excited about making this dream a reality by walking her 60 miles. She and others have now formed a team and are calling themselves the "Asphalt Angels". Pretty cool I'd say. Two of them are teenage friends of Danielle. Their names are Blakely and Christy. You'll see the link to their fundraising pages on this site (I've removed D's cause she's done with fundraising). The way the 3-day works is that each walker has to raise $2,200 in order to walk. Both Blakely and Christie have a bit yet to go. My cousin Julie and my good friend Jane Densmore are also on the team. I've placed a link to each of their sites as well. If you feel led to do so, visit one of the sites and make a commitment to help. Sadly, statistics say all of us will be personally affected in some way by cancer, and the best way to minimize that is to support a cause that truly makes a difference. I know from personal experience that the Susan Komen Foundation really does make a huge difference and without this fundraising, my chance of survival would be minimized greatly.

In the days to come, I am committed to getting back on track with writing. Know that I have not stopped praying for you and others. Know that I have not lost faith that God is healing me spiritually, emotionally, and physically during this time. And know that I am thankful to all of you who continue to pray for me and Rick and our family. I am overwhelmed by the calls I get with people simply praying to my answering machine - how totally cool is that? I save the recordings, and when I need a reminder of whose I am, I just rewind.

God is amazing and each of us has a special place in His heart.

Later...

Little Boys

Rick, me, and Danielle

Me, D, Brian and Debra - just before the screaming began!

This past weekend, my older brother, Steve, and his family came to Atlanta so that I could baptize my Great Nephew (ugh....that makes me feel old!), Brian. Brian just turned two, and he is a bundle of little boy fun! Our first adventure was climbing the stairs from our foyer to our upper floor. It was a huge adventure that brought a huge smile to Brian's face - and I'll admit I was grinning from ear to ear as well. I thought to myself, I guess I can still keep up with a two-year old even though I'm a bit out of practice with the whole small child gig.

Then we moved to our back deck, where my Jack Russell Hannah thought Brian would make a great playmate. They ran around alot together, but then settled down to dinner. Hannah is a great- natured dog who loves children, so she didn't mind sharing her food with Brian one bit! When Debra, Brian's mom, saw him pick up a piece and start to put it in his mouth, I assured her that kids only do that once and spit it out. So she allowed him to partake. Only problem was - he liked it! I guess GIRLS spit it out. Boys are an entirely different animal (I think I really mean that literally after a 24 hours with Brian!). The rest of the evening it took all 6 adults to keep up with young Brian.

I'll admit that a part of the attention I paid Brian was to ensure that he would fall head over heals in love with me so that on Saturday morning for the baptism, he wouldn't fuss when I would oh so gently disperse water onto his young head. Danielle was assisting me with the bowl, and I made sure we filled it with warm, soothing water so as not to upset my young friend. Well, all seemed to be going very well as I placed that soothing water on his head and he gazed up at me with those precious eyes and beautiful boyish grin, and I thought - hey - I did it! But one second later as I began to pray over him, he decided the bapitsm was over and began to scream, loudly.

Having 3 girls and being one myself, I was not prepared for Brian. I realize now that God knew what he was doing when he gave me girls and not boys. Boys are way too energetic and they don't mind making a mess. They actually do things like stick pine bark and dog food into their mouths and like it. They eat on the run. They don't like to be restrained in any fashion, not even for a hug.

A different breed, indeed. But oh how he stole my heart. What a blessing it is to see the complete satisfaction on a child's face at the simple things. Looking down from an upstairs landing (that he has just conquered) and seeing his grandpa smiling up at him from below. Being licked in the face by a Jack Russell Terrier named Hannah. And being swung upsidedown by a great aunt with no hair (in the photos above I'm wearing one of my two Cranial Prostheses--the non-sexy one).

God is good. I am blessed.

"No, I am not a little train, and I don't think I can!"

Well, as I have admitted, this last chemo treatment was very difficult for me. At about day 5 of being swollen up (Rick likes to refer to it as the less intense-sounding, all inclusive female term of "puffy") and everything tasting and smelling bad, I told my nurse, Kathy, that I was over all of this. I was ready to say no more treatments - I'll take my chances with cancer thank you very much. Some things in life are just too much of a challenge, and all of us has faced a moment when we either wanted to say "no more" or we actually gave up.

Last night in my bible study I was reminded of a guy who faced a far greater challenge than I've ever considered and even though he made alot of noise about saying "no", he didn't run, he didn't hide. He put one foot in front of another, opened his mouth and spoke when he thought he couldn't , and did what he knew he had to do. I'm talking about Moses here. You know, the guy that Charleton Heston made famous in the Ten Commandments. Turns out that if you read the actual text in the Bible, Moses was not a whole lot like the character portrayed by Charleton Heston. I doubt he was tall. I really doubt he was studly. And He certainly couldn't remember his lines. The text says he was scared to death (I'm paraphrasing). He told God he was a lousy public speaker. He told him he was rather slow and couldn't really even write down what he should say. And yet, God told him to go to Pharoah, the most powerful and feared dude around, and stand up and tell him what God was prepared to do to make him let His people go. Now that's a challenge.

What Moses soon learned, and what I get reminded of pretty regularly, is that God had his back. God provided someone to help write the speech and to stand with him and help him talk until Moses figured out he could do it. And in my struggle with chemo, I woke up on about day 6 or 7 after this last treatment and went for a prayer walk and cried and cried because God was saying - enough about quitting already. Remember how I got in your face and got you to go to the doctor in the first place? Remember that I have a purpose for your life and you have more work to do? Busted. Again.

I am not a little train, and I often don't think I can. But I know He can. How about you? Seen any burning bushes lately? Peace.

It's been awhile

Greetings friends,

First, let me apologize that it's taken me so long to write. Chemo #3 seemed uneventful at first, but then I had to have another shot of Neulasta for WBC (white blood count) and things got progressively worse. Back to looking like a blowfish and feeling really lousy. But alas, it's been a week or so since the worst of it and I'm headed down to my home gym to try my best to hold on to what's left of my wastline.

Yesterday I went for bloodwork and found that my RBC's (red blood cells) have tanked as well, so to avoid a blood transfusion (yuck!), I got a shot of Procrit. Same side effects as Neaulasta - just not as severe they tell me. I'll have those weekly now - Neulasta just after chemo.

So.....the fight continues. I've got God forging the path in front of me, and many of you walking along with me. Thanks so much for your continued prayers.

Chemo #3

This morning I head out to make the always fun trek down to Northside Hospital for Chemo #3. As I began to think about it last night, I laughed with Rick that just the thought of it makes me feel a bit quesy! It's difficult to explain the bag of emotions that I take with me into treatment. First, I'm so grateful that my cancer was detected and that I'm fortunate enough to have great insurance that will pay for these treatments. Second, I'm thankful that I live in a city like Atlanta where we have great doctors and a phenomenal cancer center filled with loving, campassion, and well-trained nurses and staffers. Beyond that, a part of me is scared every time, because you just don't know what new side-effect will pop up. The great news is I've already lost all (and I mean all) my hair, so that fear is over.

Today I hope to get a visit from my good friend Steve Micham. Steve is a member of the church I serve, and he's been battling cancer for a while now. Steve is a phenomenal human being. Funny, charming, positive, Godly, and oh did I say funny? He gets his chemo on the 10th floor, I'm on the 11th, and today we're scheduled to be there at the same time. So if his doctor lets him, he's coming up for a visit. He said he'd bring a pork roast and we could have a picnic, so we'll see if he's good for that!

I've been a bit remiss in updating and sharing how wonderful I've been feeling lately, and I do apologize. I guess it's a sign that I'm doing very well, because I've been crazy busy doing ministry again, which makes me very happy. I've had a wonderful two weeks, feeling almost "normal" again. I've enjoyed some morning runs, alot of great food, and great time in my prayer chair. The best though is that I got two glorious days in the mountains with my family and our good friends the Peltiers. We had way too much food and a couple of camp fires and our kids got to go swimming in the pond that they later fished in.

Life is good. God is amazing. And you guys, well you totally rock.

Today as I sit for 4 hours receiving my healing drugs, I'll be praying over my long list of prayer requests. If you have one for me, please email it to me. I'd feel blessed to pray for you.

More later as I will be in my chair for the next 4 or 5 days recovering. God always gives me a word or two during that time.

Grace and Peace, Rene'

Leather Jackets and Little Girls in Dresses

Yesterday was a wonderful day! I arose as usual at 6:00 am and spent time with God in my prayer chair. I can't believe how long my prayer list has gotten. So many people to pray for, and so many blessing to lift up. Then I went on my walk and listened to some amazing praise music that D (Danielle) added to my new ipod. I think my neighbors have sort of gotten used to the bald lady who walks around singing and grinning and sometimes crying and raising her hands in the hood (that's short for neighborhood). They're polite and smile alot when they pass me and I haven't noticed a sherriff's car tailing me, so I guess I'm okay.

Yesterday I got to go the church and lead Beginnings Class again, and it was such fun. Beginnings is a class that asks the basic questions about the Christian faith and is designed for people who are new Christians. But the reality is, it's a good place for anybody to ask questions they would not otherwise feel comfortable asking, like who is Jesus and why should I care?We've got 9 folks in there who are asking great questions about believing in God and Jesus and what the bible says and what it all means in this world we live in. For me, the conversations just make me stronger in who He is.

But perhaps the best thing about my day today is all of you. Because through you, I get a dose of serious hope that we're all going to be okay.

I had dinner with my good friend Jane. Now she's a trip. I've watched her grow so much in the last 6 months. It's like she's on God Steroids! We went on a mission trip together in March, and she's been running with God ever since. She has this big smile that will just make your day. We spent our dinner time talking about her most recent trip back to Mississippi, the site of our mission trip in March. She and her husband were part of a team that went back to complete the work we began in March. If you are sitting there right now wishing you had something to smile about, go do something for someone else who really needs help. Or hang out with people who do alot for others. Watch how they smile. You'll say - man, I want some of those kind of steriods!

And then when I pulled into that parking lot last night for class, a friend who I admire alot passed me on his motorcyle. He was wearing a leather jacket (of course) and had a big ol' grin on his face. His name is Scott, and not too, too long ago he was facing his own very serious health scare. A young man with a beautiful wife and two of the most precious little girls you've ever seen. And through all of it, he has just grown and grown and it's a wonderful blessing to see. About a year ago as I talked to him, I realized God had given him a passion for teaching and I could see how it had changed him. He glowed. And when I look at him and his family, I realize, wow - God has to be real. That glow doesn't just come from wearing a leather jacket and riding a bike (motorcycle).

Then last night as I was leaving, I got to meet a precious little girl in a pink dress. I was excited to meet her because I had heard so much about her from her mom and dad. Her mom and dad told me that she was a miracle birth- a true blessing from God. At a very late age and after years without being able to have a child, their life changed forever because of this baby. Through her birth, they realized that there had to be a God. So they came to our class to find out more.

As I travel this road with cancer, I am made stronger ever day. And I delight in all you and how you allow God to enter your lives and turn your inner challenges into triumph. You may be thinking that someone who's battling an illness doesn't want to know about the places you're going or how much fun you're having. But I want to know. I like seeing God's print on your travels.

God bless you guys.


Grace and Peace.

3-Day Walk for Breast Cancer

As many o f you know, my daughter Danielle will be walking this year in the Atlanta 3-Day, a 60 mile walk to benefit the Susan Komen Foundation for Breast Cancer. My cousin, Julie and her friend are also walking. And now my good friend Jane Densmore and Danielle's friends Blakely and Christy have joined the "team".

In years past, I've done some walking myself to beneifit this cause and others. But I never knew anyone well who had breast cancer. Turns out that's a small miracle, because statistically if 8 of my friends over the age of 40 were together in a room, one of them would develop breast cancer. As I'm sitting here thinking of 7 women I love, I'm hoping I'm the one and only of our group who will go through this.

For those who you who were like me and didn't know a whole lot about the cause, here are some facts (I lifted them from the 3-Day Site) along with my own two cents:


1) The Breast Cancer 3-Day is a 60-mile walk for women and men who want to make a personal difference in the fight against breast cancer. Each 3-Day walker commits to fundraising, training and dedicating an entire weekend to the cause.

My Take: These women, men, (and teenagers!) are making a huge commitment. Do you know that they each have to raise a minimum of $2,200 for the privelege of taking 3 days away from work, school, family, and fun; then walking 60 miles and sleeping outside on the ground in a tent? Uh Huh. That's what I said. If they don't raise the minimum of $2,200, then they don't get to walk. Thanks to many of you, Danielle raised her minimum quickly. She set her goal at $3,000, and she's just about there. In days to come, I'll put links on this blog for Danielle's "teammates" for those of you who want to donate and haven't had the opportunity.

2) It is projected that the 2006 Breast Cancer 3-Day Series will generate millions of dollars to fund critical breast cancer research and community outreach programs.

My Take: My Oncologist (who is phenomenal by the way) told me that there is so much good data coming out of all the research (because of the Komen Foundation's fundraising--my emphasis) that she literally gets weekly updates on how to help patients.

3) 85 percent of the net proceeds from the Breast Cancer 3-Day benefit the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, a global leader in the fight against breast cancer whose mission is to eradicate breast cancer as a life-threatening disease.

4) 15% of the net proceeds from the Breast Cancer 3-Day benefit the National Philanthropic
Trust Breast Cancer Fund, a special field of interest fund that will provide support for breast cancer initiatives including research, treatment, prevention and education.

What I know: The reason so much money goes directly to these good causes is because of the many volunteers who work like crazy to organize the events, get donations of food and shelter for the events, and do the nitty gritty hard work to make sure the walkers have everything they need, including a tent and toilet! My very good friend Carole will be working the crew along with our neighbor Michelle for whom Danielle babysits. These women will work from about 4 am daily till midnight every night of the walk and when they sleep, it'll be in their work truck. They'll awake to all sorts of tasks, including helping the walkers take down every tent in the village (3500 walkers, two to a tent, you do the math on how many tents that is to set up and take town daily!).

5) The Komen Foundation was founded in 1982 on a promise made between two sisters – Nancy Goodman Brinker and her dying sister, Susan Goodman Komen. Nearly 25 years later, the Komen Foundation is an international organization that fulfills its mission through a network of more than 75,000 volunteers working through more than 100 Affiliates in more than 15,000 communities to fund innovative breast cancer research and vital community outreach programs. Since inception, the Komen Foundation has invested more than $630 million in its four-prong mission of research, education, screening and treatment. For more information about the Komen Foundation and how to join them in the fight against breast cancer, visit www.komen.org, or call 1.800 I’M AWARE®. For information on the Foundation and the Breast Cancer 3-Day, visit www.komen.org/3Day.

What I know: The Foundation not only raises a ton of money for research, but it's a great resource for those of us who are fighting cancer. I visit the message boards on the Komen site daily to get support and provide caring to other women with breast cancer or who are afraid they may have it or who have family/friends who do. If you know someone who has cancer, tell them about the message board. I've talked to women all over the world who are going through the same treatments and it's an amazing opportunity to be helpful to someone else when you can - and get support when you feel like you can't fight anymore.

6) More than 200,000 new cases of breast cancer will be diagnosed in the United States this year and more than 40,000 American women and men will lose their lives to the disease. One woman is diagnosed with breast cancer every 3 minutes. Every 13 minutes, the disease claims another life in the United States.

What I know: I have no history of breast cancer in my family. Most of us believe that it's hereditary. Only 25% of breast cancers are hereditary. The rest, just happen. And from my experience, they can happen very quickly. I felt a lump. I Thought it was just another benign fibroid like the two I had previously - one at age 19 and one at age 44. I put it off 3 months. Then on April 27 my daughter, my precious child was in an auto accident that scared the heck out of me and made me think about the precious natue of life. So I called for a mammogram. Two weeks later, I was diagnosed. It's a God thing. I hate I waited so long that he had to get my attention.

My dear friends, do monthly breast exams. Take any change seriously. I don't care if you're a woman OR man. If you're 40 or 16. It takes one minute to check. Do it.

I love you all and am so thankful for your prayers, support, cards, food, gifts. I thank God daily for His provision through you.

Grace and Peace.....

Is This All There Is?

Last night, I had the absolute best time. I got to go to Hickory Flat and co-lead a class called Beginnings. Our discussion topic was "is this all there is?" We pondered upon the notion that each of us in this life has faced a disappointment or two - or longed for something and when we finally got it, we had to ask the question "is this all there is?". We were asking the question in the larger context of whether or not God actually exists - and if so, is it possible that our lives are meant for more than obtaining and enjoying "stuff", gathering trophies or titles, or just hanging out and hanging on.

This morning as I prayer walked around my neighborhood, I passed a young mother with her new baby. As I watched her, I was reminded of how powerful it had been for me when I became a mother. All I wanted and needed was to hold Danielle. To watch Danielle. To photograph Danielle. To marvel at the gift of Danielle and her sweet, sweet aroma.

Then I passed by a grandfather holding up his little granddaughter - grabbing her hand and getting her to wave hi to me. I remembered what it was like to watch my mom with Danielle. How sure she was that Danielle would be the next miracle child and be ready not just to wave - but to talk and sing and dance as an infant. And I'm sure mom was thinking - my little girl has had a little girl and now I'm finally a grandmother and all I have to do is enjoy and spoil her!

Then I walked past a woman who was having trouble walking. She was probably in her 70s, and looked as if she was suffering from arthritis. I thought - wow. Now that's something. She's out here, clearly feeling the gravity of every step. Yet she kept her eyes forward and concentrated and kept going. And as I passed her (imagine the insult of being passed by a turnip-headed chemo patient), she was grinning as if satisfied. She was being triumphant this morning!

Every morning I take these walks, and I think about the lives of my neighbors. And as I think of them, I think about my own life, and all the stages and blessings. There are aspects to our lives that simply transend "stuff" and position and title. There are aspects of our lives that can never be quantified on a spreadsheet or a balance sheet. The joy that begins deep in our soul, the yearning for more.

These blessings are simply God. Our ability to love our children so deeply and desparately is modeled after our own father's love for us. Not one of us would hesitate to put our own lives ahead of that of our child's. Neither did or would He. Our desire in old age to continue to be vital and have purpose can fade with illness, but generally most of us have a built-in yearning to keep going. God gave us that too. The gift of this life is in the process of continuing to grow as people and as God's children.

Is that all there is? No. But if it were all there was, it'd still be pretty good.

A Distorted View?

I apologize that it's been so long since my last post. Chemo #2 went so much better than the first. I didn't take all the meds presribed for side effects, and I was much more capable of functioning! But one of the really neat (yeah right) side effects of chemo is that the side effects seem to change from treatment to treatment. I awoke on Monday thinking I'd be back with the world only to hurt all over as if I had been badly bruised. Pre-chemo this feeling would have been that I'd just worked out my totally ripped (haha) body just a little too hard. Now, I thought I must be dying!

I had retained about 8 lbs. of fluid, and I sort of looked like a turnip with my face all red and swollen and my head with just a little fuzzy wisp standing straight up. If you've ever wondered how you'd feel looking at yourself in the mirror in the morning and seeing a vegetable looking back, save yourself the trip. It's not fun! I stood there and stared at myself and wondered how, in such a short period of time, I could have changed so much. And then I cried. And I felt really, really sorry for myself and for everyone who had to look at me. Then I prayed. I prayed that God would heal me. I prayed that He would lift me out of this nightmare. I prayed that He'd save me from all of it. And then I realized that He already had.

Each of us has a distorted view of who we are. Sometimes, we see ourselves as more beautiful than we are. And sometimes, we look in the mirror and can only see how unworthy we are. In either case, our Father in Heaven knows just who we are. He really doesn't care that we're having a bad hair day (or no hair day), or that we are wearing a great suit. He sees who we really are. And He still cares.

As you go through your day today, know that you are deeply loved even in those moments when you yourself feel like a turnip.

Grace and Peace to all of you.

My new hair

Greetings everyone! Well, it's day 3 after chemo 2, and I'm doing pretty well. Did a complete circle walking in my neighborhood today (maybe 1 mile). Just a few minutes ago we had to go to Northside to get a shot of Neulasta because my white blood counts were very low on chemo day. This makes me susceptible to infection, and without the shot I may become ill and/or not get my next chemo on time. All in all, I'm doing very well. God is so good. I'll be down and out of it for the next 24-48 hours because the injection I received will cause alot of bone pain, which means I'll be on pain meds. At any rate, I promised you guys pictures of my new hair, so here it is. It's fun to have it - sort of like dress up!

Love you all and thank you for your continued prayers. Speaking of prayers, the woman I met at check-in at hospital this morning shared a prayer request with me and Rick. She had a preemie baby in January who is still in the hospital. His name is Ryan. Her name is Indra. Would you please pray for them. He's undergone a couple of surgeries already. Indra said God and prayer has carried them through all of it. Thanks so much! R

I got this from a friend and it's worth the read...

Ten Guidelines From God:

Effective Immediately, please be aware that there are changes YOU needto make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promisesto you to grant you peace, joy and happiness inthis life. I apologize for any inconvenience,but after all that I am doing, this seems verylittle to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines

1. QUIT WORRYING:Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sitand worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you?Or do you just enjoy fretting over every littlething that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:Something needs done or taken care of. Put iton the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turnit over to Me. And although My to-do-listis long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you nevereven realize.

3. TRUST ME: Once you've given your burdens to Me,quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care ofall your needs, your problems and your trials.Problems with the kids? Put them on My list.Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster?For My sake, put it on My list. I want tohelp you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE: Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I thinkI can handle it from here." Why do you thinkyou are feeling stronger now? It's simple.You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strengthand cover you in my peace. Don't youknow that if I give you these problems back,you will be right back where you started?Leave them with Me and forget aboutthem. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME: I want you to forget a lot of things.Forget what was making you crazy.Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's onething I pray you never forget. Please, don'tforget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life.I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you havinga conversation with Me. I want to be yourdearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith inMe that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me;you wouldn't want the view from My eyes.I will continue to care for you, watch over you,and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me.Although I have a much bigger task than you,it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who areless fortunate than you. Share your joy withthose who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any insuch a long time. Share your tears with thosewho have forgotten how to cry. Share your faithwith those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT: I managed to fix it so in just one lifetimeyou could have so many diverse experiences.You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades,travel to so many places, meet thousandsof people, and experience so much. How canyou be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe inonly six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND:Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same wayyou do, but I still love you all. Please tryto get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF: As much as I love you, how can you notlove yourself? You were created by me forone reason only -- to be loved, and to lovein return. I am a God of Love. Love Me.Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see youso angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget......

Hair

Good morning everyone. Is anyone still out there reading these posts? Just know that if you post a comment as anonymous, I don't know who you are to respond. And I can't respond back to the post directly, so if I don't have your email address, I can't send you an email offline. I truly enjoy reading your comments, and I"m sure they're entertaining for everyone else also, so keep posting my friends! I have had a couple posted from outsiders who are undesirable, so I've changed the process a bit - I'll have to approve the post before it's added, hopefully this will keep the bums away for this site.

Now on the with today's silly thoughts on hair....

Yesterday it finally happened. The small amount of hair that had been clinging to my head since the shaving incident decided it no longer wanted to be attached to my head. I'm not sure if it was my morning walk or the shower that offended it, but it clearly wanted to go. It fell out by the handsful (or is it handfuls?), and left me feeling a bit weepy.

But not to despair, I have an appointment today at Northside to get NEW HAIR! Can you believe that the doc can write a prescription for new hair? Indeed. It's called a cranial prosthesis. If they call it that rather than a wig, then insurance pays for it (in my case anyway). So I get new hair that is paid for. Cool beans. I've taken a quick poll among some of you, and it appears that brown with red highlights is a good option. The hilarious thing I found out is that the CP (cranial prosthesis) is made of real hair. When I asked where the hair comes from I was told that for some wigs, the hair comes from Asia or India. The hair from these wigs comes from women who grow their hair very long, shave their heads, and offer it to their Gods as an act of sacrifice. Then "they" (the Gods?) take the hair and sell it to wigmakers to bring to the U.S. Then the other option is a wig made from the finest hair, which comes from Europe. These are even more expensive. I asked if they had any plain-old domestic haired wigs, but they said in the U.S. all the home-grown hair goes to Locks of Love to make wigs for children, which was a good answer.

The whole sacrificing to the God's thing just made me a bit sad, so I'm going for the European hair. Of course now I have to worry about which European country it came from....lots of implications there and things I could say, but I'd probably upset someone so I'll just keep my thoughts to myself on that! When I actually get my new hair, I'll post pics so my good friend Ellen (aka chemosabe) can ridicule me.

I love you all and thank you for continuing to pray for me and our family. Know that I pray for you also.

More Thoughts on the Climb

I learned alot this weekend about Rock Climbing. First and foremost, I learned it's hard and it's scary! The most risky part falls on the shoulders (literally) of the lead climber in traditional climbing. The lead climber has to go up the wall of stone without a "net" so to speak. He/she climbs up and places the anchors that are used to attached the rope that will ensure the climbers coming behind the lead will be able to climb without fear of falling completely to the bottom. The climbers who come behind the lead will only fall as far as the anchor below them. More importantly, because they are protected by the rope that was placed by the lead, they can rest when they need to. They have the advantage of being able to take a step up without risking broken bones or even death.

Not so for the lead. The lead risks everything. And the lead suffers while making the trek to the top. He cannot rest, because he doesn't have a rope holding him up. He just has to have faith and shear determination. This weekend, the lead was one of my favorite young men, Chad Peltier. At only 16 years old, he led the climb. As I watched him, I was amazed at his strength and endurance for pain. He knew others were counting on him to set up the climb. When he made it to the top and repelled down to help others make the climb, he was soaked with perspiration. Even his shoes were wet. I looked at his hands, and they were bleeding. What a sacrifice for the rest of us. Amazing for someone so young.

As I read my devotion this morning, I was reminded of another who sacrificed for us. "I am the way, the truth, and the Life." Jesus was a lead climber. He set the course for us so that the path would be made easier.

As I pray each day, know that I pray for each of you. Life is hard sometimes. None of us is immune to trouble. I pray for your comfort and peace and that the path that has been laid out for you is revealed. Grace and Peace....

Climbing Higher

Travelling. One of my favorite things. Going out in the woods. Definitely the most peaceful place I can think of. This weekend, I got to do both! Since I have been feeling much better (and before my next Chemo treatment), Rick thought this weekend would be a good time to get me out of the house. So we planned a quick trip to Chattanooga with friends for rock climbing.

Our 16 year-old daughter Danielle starting climbing with her boyfriend Chad (also 16) several months ago. Chad has been climbing since he was 3 with his parents who've climbed for years. So they were all there tagging along with us on a trip that was initiated by our good friend from Louisiana, Fred and his daughter Kayla. As for me, my only task was hiking in (my favorite "sport") and sitting around eating (my second favorite sport).

As I watched the kids climb those rocks, I was amazed at their determination and focus. Chad was like a different person on those rocks. Typically he's lighthearted and has a wonderful childlike grin and he and Danielle do alot of laughing around our house. But on those rocks, he was focused and demanding on himself. He put everything he had into getting to the top of every climb, pulling himself up with shere determination and his own strength. And Kayla, at only 12 years old and weighing in at maybe 65 pounds, moved on those rocks with abandon and tenacity. Danielle had the same determination, pushing through her fear of heights. At one point when she was climbing and got stuck for a moment, Chad offered to help her by pulling her rope on cue as she stepped up and made a move. Her answer: no thanks - I want to do try longer to do this on my own.

It reminded me of her childhood. I could hear her saying "no mommy, I can do it myself". "No daddy, please let me do it!" It was a joy for me to watch.

As the day wore on, I wore out. I was pretty much just sitting there like a lump, but the heat and lack of hydration and fatigue from my treatment began to settle in. So I decided to stand up and start hiking out while I could get out. Rick came along beside me to make the trek back to the car. It was maybe 2 miles out of there. Before chemo, I could do 20 miles. Now, two miles seemed like a good goal. By the time we made it to the last part of the hike out, Rick was in front of me and I was holding on to his fanny pack. He had offered to carry me out, but the little girl in me was saying -"no mommy, I can do it on my own. " What the grown woman said was "I have cancer, cancer does not have me."

And then I prayed. Father, help me walk out of here. A few more steps, a little weaker... Father, I need your stength right now. A few more steps....alot weaker.... Daddy, I'm so scared right now - will you help me walk. By now, thinking I was going to pass out.... Daddy, will you carry me out of here?

How about you? Are you ever so determined to do something on your own that you refuse help? I think we all do that. That's part of the human spirit. It helps all of us to have a goal - and the process of pushing ourselves to climb higher and higher is good for us. It teaches us alot about who we are. But when we reach the end of our own ability, it's really important to remember whose we are. Those bumper stickers that say "God is my co-pilot" are just bad theology. You and I are not God's equals. God better be in the driver's seat. Without him forging the path ahead of us, there's just no reason to get to the top of the mountain or the end of the journey. And it's a whole lot easier getting there if we have Him to reach out to and hold on to when we come to the realization that we are at the end of our ability. Practice being a follower. You still get to climb high, it's just alot easier and more peaceful getting to the top knowing Daddy is waiting for you when you arrive.

God is good. And we are blessed.

Okay, So My Neighbors Think I'm Wierd

Good afternoon everyone! What a wonderful day it is! I started my day as usual with my 6:30 a.m. walk around the neighborhood. What a gorgeous morning. I'm now up to over 2 miles a day - we have slowly added hills to the walk, knowing that next week after chemo we'll be back to counting mailboxes and measuring progress in steps, not miles. But for now, I'm celebrating every step I make!

This morning I took my new Ipod for the first time. This was my birthday present from my family, complete with pink case to which my daughter, Danielle, added jewels for decoration. She put some of my favorites tunes on it, including some powerful worship music. So here I am, on the back side of the neighborhood this morning walking and praying and praising God and I couldn't help myself - the sun was coming up beautifully and I was singing "holy is the Lord" and I did it - I raised my hands praising God for his grace and mercy. A couple of people passed me and I'm sure they were wondering why a woman with a shaved head was in their neighborhood raising her hands and praying. I'm sure it was unsettling for them. But for me, it was the beginning of a great day.

The thing I'm realizing is that when you have cancer, you have to celebrate when you can. And the funny thing is that having a disease like this gives you a license to be goofy. Everyone else may question your goofiness, but you kind of think you've got a free pass for a while. My advice: Don't wait for an excuse to have a free pass. If you ever think that you need to step out of your box and do something just a little unsettling, try it. You might find that it feels good. Especially if it's being done for the right reasons. Like offering praise where praise is due. This much I know, God is crazy about you and me. And He delights in the moments that we step out of the place we trust and risk it all to take a stand for Him. Even if it's just simply raising our hands and making fools of ourselves. A week ago I was embarrassed that I had no hair. Today, I'm embarrassed that it bothered me so much.

Have a great weekend, and make sure you tell someone you love them. Grace and Peace.

He Teaches Where He Instructs Us Not to Teach

Great morning everyone! It's 6:30 am, I'm having my coffee, and I'm looking forward to a wonderful day. Yesterday, I got to do the best thing -- I went back to work at the church! Oh my goodness, it felt so good to get up and get dressed (in real clothes) and get in my car, crank my tunes , and drive to Hickory Flat. When I arrived, I was so happy to see all of my friend and collegues on staff. We exchanged hugs and I got to hear about all of their lives for a change. It was so wonderful. I love these people and I missed them!

Then I made my way to my office. I sat in the chair, the phone rang, and I was off! As if on auto-pilot, I easily made the shift from patient to robo-churchlady. I sent and received emails, made phone calls, started solving problems, and at the end of the day I looked up and realized it had happened. Already. That quickly. I had gotten in front of God. Gone where He should be going first.

My devotion this morning in The Utmost for His Highest hit me square between the eyes (as usual). If you don't have this book - get it. Mine is a recent gift from my good friend Jane and it's amazing. The Title Today: Learning His Ways. The point: Hey Rene, stop thinking you know more than God! (I paraphrased that).

He teaches where He instructs us not to teach. Are we so noisy in our instruction of other people that God cannot get near them? We must learn to keep our mouths shut and our spirits alert.

He works where He sends us to wait. "Wait on the Lord, and He will work (Psalm 37:34).
Okay Herzen, I threw that one to you....wait Rene....just wait......stop running Rene.....wait.

Busted. How about you? Pray about it. I'm going walking. Until later, I love you all. God loves you even more.

She calls this one "ChemoSabe"

Okay, one more ridiculous post of my friend Ellen's sick sense of humor for all of you who are enjoying making fun on my hairless predicament......She calls this one

CHEMOSABE...

Pictures I promised

Okay - here's the real me without Ellen's edits and special effects. Last Thursday, my good friend Ellen came over and shaved my head for me. I was a bit traumatized until she and Danielle (my sweet daughter) started laughing and I decided this was just going to be okay. Every day, my precious girls rub my head like I'm a pet or something (can you say chia) and tell me it's thinning out. I call the next photo.....Got Rogaine?

God is good....All the time....and all the Time, God is good!

This morning, our family worshipped together at Creekside and it was such a blessing to be there in the presence of the Lord and just bask in the warmth of His love. Now that I'm actually able to use my brain again, I'm hoping I can get back to sharing less about me, and more about Him. Grace and Peace til tomorrow.....

Today is Thursday and I know it!

Praise God! I actually know what day it is, I can walk and talk, and water tastes good again!

Yesterday I went back to the doc because I was beginning to believe that I was going to pass to the other side....and they gave me a bag of fluids, lots of tlc, and sent me home. Today I woke up and walked and thus far am functioning like a real person! Huge thanks to my good friend Carolynn for getting me to the doc and making sure I was okay.

I am so thankful to all of you who continue to bring food and call and send wonderful emails and the like. I'm even thankful for my friend Ellen who continues to send me pictures of myself with strange hair pasted on them. I guess I'd better get used to strange hair because I think in a day or two, I'll be wearing someone else's since my head is all "tingly" which means I'm just around the corner from being Bald. But there are far worse things. Like going through the loss of a loved one. This week a dear brother in Christ went to be with the Lord, and I'm praying for his wife today as they lay him to rest. And my uncle's best friend will be laid to rest tomorrow. And then there's the woman they're talking about on the news who went for a bike ride and didn't come back home.

In all of these cases, God is weeping because His children are suffering. I'm going to do my best today to give God something to smile about. It's Thursday. And I'm walking and Talking. Praise God! Here's just a couple of Ellen's ridiculous pictures......

Praising God

Good morning all! Well, I hope I'm a little more coherent today. I want to thank all o f you for everything. The last week has been a complete fog - but this I know....God is right here with me--present through all o f you. It's hard to feel this weak and not think that you're going to die (or wish it!), but I know I'm coming out of it.

Rick and I had our walk this morning as the sun came up, and it was wonderful. I almost fell into the bushes when we got back cause I was so tired, but it was worth it! :)

The funny thing is that I am so hungry all the time! I eat about every 20 minutes I think. That's pretty fun. And thus far, there's nothing that doesn't taste good except water - which is normally smething I love. But I"m getting it down.

God is good! All the time. And all the time, God is good!

Rick Tells me it's Tuesday...

Good morning everyone. Well, my wonderful husband Rick tells me today is Tuesday, so I'll go with that. This morning I woke up crying which Rick says is good since before that all he said I could do was stare into space. So I guess we'll be thankful for tears!

What a crazy journey this is. The past 5 days are like a complete fog to me. There is just no way to describe the way these medicines make you feel. Rick tells me just to imagine that they are eating up all the bad and leaving the good and so that's what I'm doing. If you've called me or stopped in to visit, I truly appreciate it - I may not recall the visit, but know that I loved it!

The great news is that I am still enjoying food which you guys are wonderful to provide. And this morning Rick took me on another walk (I'm like his new pet), and it was amazing. He sang to me as we shuffled down the street and it was wonderful. (our neighborhood association is probably putting us on some watch list about now but that's okay).

The night before I had chemo (last Wednesday), I participated in a powerful healing prayer where a few prayer warriors prayed over me. One of the women there was filled with the spiriit and shared some pretty amazing insights with me. So in your prayer time, would you add me to your list, praying that I will give up whatever strongholds still exist in me so that I can serve God as He plans?

Thanks so much for continuing this journey with me.

Soon to be.......B&B

Good Sunday Morning

Well, at least I think it's Sunday. It's all been a fogg to me, but I got a birthday baloon this morning so that must mean it's my birthday which would make it Sunday! Woo Hoo! Partying here I come!

Words cannot express how grateful I am to each and every one of you right now. Your prayers and food and hugs and kisses are life-sustaining for me right now. Im having alot of trouble thinking and typing, but wanted so much to get this down on "paper".

Thursday when I got my first chemo went well (getting the chemo that is). My port worked miraculously well, and they sat me next to a nice woman who was also having her first infusion and who was also a patient of Dr Luke, my phenomenal surgeon. Of course mom Bootsie as with me. So we had a blast. Then about the time I got home and polished off a Chick Fil A sandwich (the best food in the world!), it hit me. I sunk down in the bed and bairly moved until yesterday. The way it makes you feel is pretty much indescribable. Sort of a really bad flu. Thank goodness for my meds though - they have kept me from actually getting sick - I just feel like I might. But my appetite is good (like always) and I'm starting to think I might be able to do this.

Family has been great. Danielle brought a little bell up to me yesterday and she spent her day running for the bell (there was some part of me that really enjoyed this---payback you know!). All kidding aside, she and Rick and have been unbelievable waiting on me hand and foot and feeding me saltines and shephard's pie from my neighor Carole. Ummmm good!

I am so very fortunate that I have been given this opportunity for healing. And I'm fortunate to have friends like you who are willing to walk the journey with me. God is so good, and he is with me every minute, not leaving my bedside.

I can't wait to get back in the world with the rest of you! We have much to do!

Grace and Peace,

Rene

You amaze me

Today has been an amazing day. I'm mostly amazed at the outpouring of God's love that is coming my way. I know it's totally God's love, because I don't deserve all that I'm receiving. Truly. I have received chemo caps crocheted by the hands of a young mother with 3 small children (who has much better things to do and must be doing it in her sleep), I've received wigs from delightful friends who anticipate how much more fun I will have as a blond (woo hoo), I've received a precious angel figurine who accompanied two very dear friends through their own medical crises (I'm going to take a picture of my little angel friend with me at chemo and other places just as if she were Flat Stanley). And a devotion book and a LIFE IS GOOD hat from a dear friend who is unbelievably caring. Then I received wonderful hand lotions and bath salts from a friend who was where I am just about a year ago. And then there is the food calendar set up by my friend whose husband broke his back just a week ago. And the flowers sent by my dear friends across the street. And more hugs than some people receive in a lifetime. I cried several times today - not because I have cancer - but because I have God's people just loving me. It's overwhelming and wonderful. You inspire me and encourage me and give me strength.

I love you. God is good. And you guys make Him and me smile.

Good Sunday afternoon everyone! What an amazing weekend God has given me! Saturday morning we held a Women's Brunch entitled "Women's Health" at Hickory Flat that had been planned for months. It was amazing! Jackie Patrick, a good friend who was diagnosed with lung cancer last August (not a smoker - no exposure to any agents that would have predicted this) and after undergoing surgery and chemo, led all of our worship by playing her keyboard and leading us in praise music. She shared her testimony about her fight back from lung cancer and sang a beautiful song "abundantly". Not a dry eye among us when she finished! It was so powerful.

Why? Because of where the story begins. When I went to pray with Jackie prior to her surgery last August, I remember sitting with her wondering what in the world I should say to this beautiful young woman who was about to be wheeled into what would turn out to be an 8 or 9 hour surgery. I had known Jackie to be an incredible singer who had actually led worship for retreats I had attended at another church years ago. So as I stood there trying to figure out something profound to say, God nudged me (okay, he hit me over the head which is usually what it takes for me) and I said "Jackie, you will be fine. In fact, I am going to ask you in the coming months when you are feeling better to sing for our women at Hickory Flat AND to share your testimony about how God healed you from lung cancer. I remember she smiled a sweet smile and said - you got a deal. (she was probably thinking - Jeez, did they give her some of these happy drugs they just gave me?)..... Because let's face it, what kind of crazy plan is that? A woman who was having 3/4 of her lung removed, would have a scar across her throat, and I'm asking her to not only sing again, but do it in front of a whole bunch of people AND share her testimony about how good God is. Well, let me tell you, there ain't nothin' crazy about God - Yesterday was the fruition of a promise God made to me and a deal Jackie and I made almost a year ago. Just as God promised, lives were changed (so were mine and Jackie's) and eyes were opened. And I'll bet God was smiling. How cool is that!

We also had wonderful speakers, Delores Hartley, A Wellness Advisor and Dr. Angela Falany, and OB/GYN. Both had phenomenal information and inspiration for us. At the end, I asked all of the women who either had a health issue that they'd like to be prayed for OR would be willing to come forward and stand in the gap for another woman to kneel at the altar for prayer. I'm not sure since I was the FIRST woman on my knees, but I'm fairly certain most of us in the room (50 or so) were on our knees at the altar. Linda Martin prayed over all of us and it was POWERFUL!

Then this morning I went to church for my last Sunday as one of the worship leaders (for a while anyway). We had two phenomenal services and we baptized a precious little 7-year old girl and her family joined the church.

I did, by the way, show off my port this morning at church to those of you with the curiosity or stomach to see it. It actually is rather cool - it sort of looks like one of those little buttons that pops out of the turkey on Thanksgiving that tells you when it's done - only it's under my skin (which is interesting) and it's not telling me I'm done yet. Hope it pops soon! :)

I can't tell you how amazing it is to me to be able to continue to minister to our people and to allow then to minister to me. I have received so many wonderful testimonies from others, so many special and unique gifts, and more hugs than you can imagine. I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for your love and concern.

I continue to walk daily and to pray daily for you, my friends.

Much love - soon to be B&B.....

I've now had 48 hours with my new port, and I have to say it's been a bit challenging. Mostly I'm having trouble resting due to the discomfort (okay - pain!). I was able to take my bandage off today and see it - and it's very bizarre to see something poking up from underneath your skin! It sort of looks like a very thick button under there. I guess since I'm somewhat small in the chest area (no cracks people), there's just not alot of place for it to be tucked in.

At any rate, I did my prayer walk this morning (another couple of miles) and it was lovely. The next 5 days or so will be a challenge because I've got events at the church and alot to get done before chemo starts next week. Please pray that I'll know when to stop!

Thank you all for your continued prayers, calls, cards, and gifts. God is good!

The Port is in!

Okay, so yesterday, I got the all-important port! Everyone kept referring to "installing the port". I laughed with mom yesterday while waiting for my "install", because I felt like I was going in to see an electrician to get an outlet added or to see a computer tech to get my dataport installed. What a hoot!

The good news is that it went very smoothly. They didn't put me completely under, but I surely don't remember anything. Lord only knows what I might have said during my install, I'm only hoping I didn't refer to my surgical team as the "geek squad".

Didn't sleep alot last night, but am getting ready to go do my walk this morning. I've asked my good friend Sharon (a neighbor) to walk me. Now I feel like a pet.

Please know that I am so thankful to all of you for your prayers, calls, cards, flowers, and love. You keep me going, truly, because you remind me why God made us - to love one another and offer grace and mercy. I am thankful and blessed.

Prayer Walking

This morning I went prayer walking around my neighborhood. I've been doing a bit of this lately and plan to do it everyday that I can after chemo starts. Walking will be my new form of exercise, replacing the more energetic forms I've been doing for the past 6 years or so. Prayer walking is great for those of us who love to multi-task - but for those of you who have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time, this may NOT be for you (you and I both know who you are!). Disclaimer: Nothing should replace conventional prayer time where you sit uninterrupted and completely with God, prayer walking is just an adjunct form of prayer you might try in additional to your daily time with God.

At any rate, while walking this morning, I went past the house of a good friend who just broke his back in a biking accident. Prayed for him and his terrific wife and kids. Went past another friend who battled cancer last year - and won! Prayed for him and his family. Then I went past way, way too many houses where I know there's strife with marriage or kids or money or all three....and I prayed for them. And unfortunately, among many of the houses I passed, there live folks who don't yet know God. Did you catch that I said YET???? Hmmm...this is where you and I come into the picture. You and I - all of us - can do something about this. I talk to so many people who feel like they don't have any special gifts or abilities (check out scripture, it has a whole lot to say about that argument)-- they'll tell me there's not alot they can contribute. Most of us can muster up enough ability to ask for a hamburger at McDonald's. Heck some of us can even use sign language to communicate. I've heard many of you talk so much and so fast I have no idea what the topic is! Well guess what? God hears what we ask for - he understands sign language - and we can't talk too fast or too inarticulate for him. He knows just what we are asking for and listens to every bit of it and delights in the fact that we are spending time talking with him. And our petitions for others--our faith on their behalf--can really make a difference (remember the invalid who was dropped down to Jesus through the roof by his friends ). How cool is that?

So will you join me in praying for your neighbors? Will you commit to pray for the life of just one person who doesn't yet know God? Will you pray that by God's grace, that person will come to know the joy that you and I get to live with everyday? And will you step out on a limb and pray that God will help you to become a person who can share your faith with others?

Just this morning's ramblings.....Have a great day and remember that God made you and He does things perfectly so you DO have special gifts and you can do alot of good. Just go do it!

In His Grip and soon to be B&B

Catching Up

Okay, let's go back to the beginning. On April 27, my sweet girl was in an automobile accident. By God's grace, she had minimal injury when an F-250 pickup truck hit her pretty much head on. That day, I felt a fear that's hard to describe, and it led me to all kinds of thoughts of the future. I had been feeling a lump in my right breast for about 3 months. Rick and I had talked about how I needed to get it checked, but both of us just assumed it would mean another trip to the surgeon to take yet another (I had already had two) benign fibroid adenoma. The day after the accident, something inside me just said "call for the mammogram". So I did. And by the next week, I had had the mammogram and was headed to my surgeon's office. That same day he sent me for an ultrasound and core needle biopsy. By the following week, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and Rick and I were weighing all the treatment options. I had a lumpectomy on May 30 after undergoing complete body CT scans, bone scan, and follow up MRI. Thankfully, they were all clear.

Inital results of my lymph node biopsies were that they were also clear, so we thought we'd just be looking at 6 weeks of radiation after surgery. However, when the full biopsy results came in a week later, we were told that there was a very small amount of cancer in one node, which increased the possibility of cancer spread. So we then met with an oncologist and after allowing time for a family camping trip, we are moving forward with treatments.

This Wednesday (July 12), my wonderful, incredible mother in law (I just call her mom) will take me to have my portacath surgically installed. This will allow for easy access for blood work and chemo treatments.

Then on July 20 my wonderful mother in law (mom) takes me for my first chemo treatment. It will last about 4 hours and is called FEC. It's supposed to be pretty powerful, and it'll make my hair fall out within about 10 days. I've decided my new nickname is going to be B&B - Bald and Beautiful, so y'all practice up on using that one okay?

My doctor (who is supposed to be THE best in Atlanta) has given me alot of prescriptions to help me with the other side effects, so I guess I'll see just how good she really is (just kidding....I know she's amazing).

Chemo will last a minimum of 18 weeks (6 treatmens, one every 3 weeks if my bloodwork looks good. Then I'll have 6 weeks of radiation and 5 years of hormone therapy. Whoo! Sounds like a journey to me!

I am really ready to get on with these treatments and move toward my ultimate healing. I'm asking all of you to pray specifically for the following: That I God in his mercy will completely heal me, 2) that through this journey I will grow closer and more dependent upon Him and His word, and 3) that through my testimony, others will be reached with the Good News of the Gospel.

And on a somewhat selfish note, pray that I really will be beautiful bald. :)

Please leave your comments. I'd love to hear from you! Thanks again for being there.

Welcome to my blog. I'm creating this as a way to share my thoughts (ramblings), fears (oh yeah), joys, concerns, prayers, and discoveries as I travel the journey of breast cancer. I discovered early on that this is a journey that God will not have me make alone or even just with Him. He's showing me very clearly that all of you, my friends and family, will be making this one with me as well. I am so thankful for each of you and for the ways you are encouraging me (our entire family really) through your prayers, hugs, presence in our home, food (yeah baby!), cards, letters, gifts of all sorts, and phone calls. I'm glad you are willing to walk some of this journey with me, and I thank God for His work through you. Grace and Peace, Rene